And so, it is winter again. It's been another sleepless night - but I feel like I just woke up. Everything looks and feel vivid and real. I'm not sure how many days it's been but, but lately everything has been dreamlike and noisy. Noisy, in the sense that all the details merge and blend together and there is little room left to tell the difference between real and imagined.
But this morning is beautiful. I've missed the early morning. It rained all through the night and now the creek is gushing and the air is fresh and cold and smells like life and... I have words to write. Lately I have tried to sit down and say something with my pen and nothing has come or flowed. My urge for expression has had to find other avenues. I've been dancing and playing my guitar and running, alot. Running so far until I slow myself down because my body is aching and I remember I don't want to give myself shin splints again.
In truth, and full transparency, I think I haven't wanted to write because I've been dealing with aspects of shame... it has risen because I'm ready to see it. I haven't wanted to be seen. I haven't felt like my words are good enough, or even that I am worthy enough to write about myself. This is hard to admit to myself. They are only aspects of me, ofcourse. I thankfully don't live with crippling shame or self doubt... like I once might have. However our lessons will return when another layer is ready to reveal itself and be healed...and this has been a cycle of working through the density with equal awareness and equal entanglement in the grips of self neglect.
I have spiralled in and out of thinking that has me looking at myself through the third person perspective. This has led to me feeling out of my body. Out of tune with the resonance with my soul. Trying to affect change from the outside, in. And I know by now this never works. I have known for a long time. But I am learning what it means to crystallise the truth of love. Sometimes that means going back in time in a sense. Being ok with not being ok. Being triggered, again. And finding, that you are in fact... not in that place any more. And actually, now you have the power to work your way out with full consciousness.
This is how you clear your deepest fears that hold you back from living. You show yourself that you can always return to love. You show yourself that no matter the places you find yourself in, that you hold the ability within you to transform your holographic reality with the power of your heart and mind...and what you decide to take away, what you decide to keep.
This journey is not perfect. I'm so glad it isn't.
It's winter again. I feel the myself returning to myself. More than ever before... thats the thing about an always expanding universe. You never go backwards. Actually you always go forward.